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The following were submitted by John Day

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it? "The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. ! If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll ! be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

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An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection" The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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Britain's new Airbus to compeat with the 747! (click here) Dave Bloomfield

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Airline cabin announcements All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples, sent in by Mike Capon, that have been heard or reported :

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. .To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised,"

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2. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling, Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs, If you are traveling with more than one sma11 child, pick your favorite."

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3. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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4. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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5. .'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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6. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight! "

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7. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, then a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

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8. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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9. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

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10. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

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11. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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Actual call centre conversations!!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?”
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?”
Customer: "It was on your leaflet."
Operator: "They’re the opening hours, sir."
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product title give you a clue?"
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DVLA

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
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Directory Enquiries

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland."
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Directory Enquiries

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So, what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
"Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No, why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ******* stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

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These two from Dick Rogers

During a conversation between two Cpls the question of a recommendation for a
good restaurant in Paris cropped up. Well if you go up the Champs and find
the TWA Offices turn left down the side street and a short way down you will
come across a door over which is the sign " restaurant " Good I’m going up next
week with the wife and will give it a try. Well about ten days later the
two Cpls met up again and the conversation started with the words "You are a
right b.......d aren’t you. Asking for clarification of this statement the
reply was "Thanks for the recommendation re the restaurant in Paris but you
could have told me that the waitresses were Topless - the wife was not
impressed - well you didn’t ask was the reply. To end this saga about three
days later whilst shopping in the NAAFI the "accused" was tapped on the
shoulder followed by a statement "thanks for the address of the restaurant in
Paris but I was most impressed by the waitresses". Alls well that ends
well.

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Going back to my days in Fontainebleau reminded me of the afternoon I was
down town with my wife and I was standing next to the traffic lights just
by the toilets. These were operated by a little Gendarme. So this
afternoon whilst surveying the traffic movements down the cobbled main
street he espied a maiden who was riding her bicycle with the engine on the
front of the machine which when engaged the front wheel. Now it was a known
fact to those that had ever ridden such a machine that the only way to stop
was to disconnect the engine, place it in the retaining clip and then apply
the break. So there she is on her bike approaching the traffic lights -
espied by the Gendarme. A quick change to red rendered the maiden in
distress - she tried to stop without disconnecting the engine - result -
one show of a pair of lovely boobs popping out the top of her dress right
there in the main street. Words cannot express what she said to the
Gendarme.

And another from Dick Rogers

As everybody knows during our stay at Fontainebleau there came the time when
number of personnel had to proceed to the war headquarters at Soisson just
to test the system. So during one such visit a number of army personnel
were also deployed. On arrival it was discovered there were no toilet
facilities available but the "Leader of the Pack" was a little 2nd Lt who
was just out of training at Sandhurst. Now lads I want some of you to go
into the woods and find some fine examples of good strong saplings and
bring them back, about 10ft in length if possible. Those left behind were
ordered to dig a trench 4ft deep by about 8ft long. When the saplings
arrived they then had to be cut into suitable sizes to make two long sides
with supports about two ft from the ground. These were then placed in
suitable position either side of the trench - the gap in between the two was
that which would accommodate the average bum. All was well until after a
few days of this crude toiletry at was found that the 2ndLt regularly at a
certain time of each day made use of his pride and joy. UNTIL on one visit
he did not notice that the poles had been sawn through prior to his visit.
I will leave you to your own imagination as to the result of his Sandhurst
training.

From Johnny Hanlon

AIRLINE HUMOUR

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly A plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

FROM KEN HARRIMAN

It was the middle of a very dark and Stormy night, a fellow was at the side of the old cliff top coast road, hitch Hiking. As the night rolled on Cars were becoming less frequent and there were no lights anywhere. The Storm was so strong he could barely see but a few feet in front of himself. Suddenly in the distance he saw the headlights of a car coming his way as it got close to him it slowed almost to a standstill . Without hesitation he hurriedly got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was no-one sitting behind the steering wheel.
Suddenly the car began to move slowly forward and the fellow notices a very sharp bend ahead, very scared he starts to pray but just before the car reaches the bend a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Now almost paralysed with terror, the fellow notices that the hand appears every time the car approaches a bend. Gathering his wits and strength the fellow grabs the door handle opens the door and rolls out, onto the pavement, gets up
and runs as fast as he can to the nearest Town. Dripping wet and in shock he runs in to the nearest pub and up to the bar and asks for a double whiskey followed by a second and begins to relate his hair Raising and terrifying experience that he has just gone through. Everyone is stunned into silence and amazement as they notice he trembling uncontrolably, and crying although clearly not Drunk About a half Hour later two fellows walk into the same Bar and one says to the Other "Hey! look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got into our car when we were pushing it!"

 

FROM BRIAN GIBBONS

Dear Student,

We appreciate that the airport parking fees have escalated in recent years, but really cannot
condone your reckless parking ! All of our trees are covered by preservation orders & wilfull damage is a serious offence. Our legal department has carefully considered your argument that you are not objectively parked on "airport grounds" but have rejected same on the basis that it contravenes Article 3, sub-section 78 (a.1) of the Air Traffic Safety Act of 1958. The Local Authorities also warn that your action could potentially be in breach of the Road Traffic ( Public Highways Contraventions ) Act of 1964.
Apart from this, it is also worrying some our more sensitive, nervous students who are about to start their Landing Procedure training phase.
Have a nice day....!!!

Airport Management Committee

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